I have been super depressed lately. Like, depressed to the point where it’s hard to make myself shower, and next to impossible to make myself clean the house. The girls have been super neglected, because I can’t bathe them or even brush their hair. It feels like I have to fight to do anything, even feed them. A big part of that is because Andrea is SO picky. She will only eat about 5 foods (oatmeal with yogurt, canned peaches, string cheese, raisins, and strawberries. Oh, and bananas. 6 foods.), so I’m constantly worried she’s not getting enough nutrition. But at the same time, I don’t care enough to fight her.
Anthony wants another baby right now. I’ve been so stressed about money, and so depressed, I didn’t even really want to think about it. But he keeps bringing it up every few weeks. So last Monday, he brought it up again. I suggested that we pray about it. We’ve never prayed about when to have a kid before, we just felt like it was the right time and went for it. Well, we prayed and then sat quietly for about 45 seconds before Anthony said, “Well, I feel really good about it!” And I burst into tears. I cried hysterically for about an hour and told him how stressed I am, and how at this point I’m not even sure I want more kids EVER. The girls are just so hard, and so much WORK, that the thought of having another one is completely overwhelming. And I feel guilty about this, because before a few months ago, I KNEW we should have 4 (maybe 5) kids total. I don’t know if I feel like this because of the depression, or because I’m SO stressed about finances, or if it’s a combination of everything. Or maybe we really aren’t supposed to have any more kids.
Anthony suggested that we wait until we get out of this financial crunch before we talk about it again. But then I feel guilty because doesn’t that really show a lack of faith? I mean, if I really had faith the Heavenly Father was going to take care of us, then why am I waiting to have a kid? But again, I just feel this weight pressing on me at the thought of having another kid right now. Is that a “stupor of thought”? Or is that depression?
Speaking of financial crunch, we are having a really tough time. Work is SO SLOW, and we should hopefully hear back from this client in the next week, but even that won’t be enough to take care of all our bills. Anthony is going to talk to a previous client soon to see if they’ll start working with us again. Please pray for us that we’ll get our finances straightened out. After lots of praying and discussion, we’ve decided that if this client doesn’t work out, then I need to go back to work. I DON’T want to do that. But it’s more important to me that Anthony hurry up and finish his degree, than it is for me to stay home right now.
I’m so sorry about all this stress! I wish I had the answers. The baby thing is 110% between you & Anthony. We’ve definately waited until certain points of our lives for having more kids. We had Riley while Josh was still in school, but we purposely waited for Sam until he was done (he was born 6 days after he graduated, good planning eh?), then we waited for Jake until we moved out of his parents house (and I swear he came to be the day after we moved out
. Some people may call that a lack of faith, but they aren’t the ones trying to survive day to day. Heavenly Father knows your struggles & if he wants you to have a baby NOW he will make it so it’s not such a big deal in your mind. If you are feeling that stressed right now with even the thought of it, then I would wait it out for a bit. It doesn’t mean you say, “ok, no more kids till Anthony has his bachelors” and you can’t change your mind if things become clearer in your mind. That’s why it’s between you & Anthony. Waiting another week till you know whether you get this client and whether you have to go back to work isn’t going to really make a huge difference in the scheme of things. Maybe you already have, but if you are feeling this stressed about EVERYTHING in life, you should have Anthony give you a blessing. Last year when I seriously thought I was a nut case, I had Josh give me one & there was one phrase he used that I knew he would never use himself & it completely calmed me down, made me realize we were going through this for a purpose & I needed to chill out & do what I could to learn what we needed to learn. You and Anthony are wonderful people & will be blessed for all your goodness. I think the one thing I also tried to do last year was keep home as grounded as I could. I couldn’t go buy new furniture, but I could keep our furniture & carpets clean with cleaning products we already had. I made it the place where the kids & Josh wanted to be because we didn’t have money to be anywhere else 
(ok well we still can’t 
. Wow, this is toooo long, but just wanted to share, you’re not crazy, you are normal! It’s not fun being the adult is what I would always tell myself 
Suzie, I think I need another blessing. I’ve had so many, but then something else happens and I get all freaked out again.
OK, I just had this totally weird thought… you know how car repair shops order parts in from dealerships, junk yards, whatever… have you guys tried seeing if there are any shops like that need someone to transport parts? Maybe they wouldn’t pay well to make it worth your time, but something to consider I suppose.
We haven’t checked that, but I’ll definitely look into it. I know a lot of the parts stores do deliveries themselves, like NAPA. But maybe the junkyards would want to hire us.
I know that Larry’s where we take our car, I think you know the shop, they have guys at their shop that are runners for parts. That’s why I don’t know if it’s worth it financially because maybe they are just paying some dude $7 an hour to get parts… just a thought.
Bequi, I love reading your blog! You are always so honest and I find that so important, yet so rare. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about your life, marriage and motherhood. I know I can always come to your blog and either get a laugh or a life lesson. Thank you for that.
I have faith that everything will turn out well for you and your family.
Love Hannah
Thanks Hannah. It means a lot that you would say that. Sometimes I feel like I’m maybe sharing too much.
Nope, I appreciate how much you share, so DON’T stop.
Since I don’t actually know you, I only blog-stalk you (in a non-creepy way) I don’t know what your company does. Do you have details in case I hear of someone needing a specific service?
We have a courier company. We actually have a website:
http://www.abcexpressutah.com/
So if you hear of something and people need a price, it’s all right there.
Oh Bequi. I had no idea all this was going on. Depression is so hard to deal with. It’s hard to decide which feelings are real and which ones are the depression talking. Since I experience these feelings quite frequently, I try to keep this in mind when I’m trying to decipher–negative feelings are not from Heavenly Father. Also, everything happens for a reason. When I’m told by God to do something I really don’t want to do (like work when I want to be home with Cars) I have to remind myself that this is what I’m meant to be doing at this time whether it’s because someone at work really needs me or because I’m supposed to have experience that I wouldn’t get at home. If God wants me working, he’ll watch over Carley while I’m gone, and what better babysitter than him?
I know all this seems minute when you’re stuck in the middle of a trial, but just remember that it won’t last forever. The stronger you are during a trial, the more faith you have, and the quicker you learn from it, the faster it will pass. That’s whole purpose of trials is for us to learn, right?
In the meantime, ask Anthony for a blessing to help you deal with the depression. I know you’re tired so the last thing you want to do is exercise, but TRUST ME that you’ll feel better if you start doing it on a regular basis. That’s my anti-depressant a lot of the time.
Hang in there and PLEASE call me if you need anything. I know we don’t see each other very much, but you’re still such a good friend of mine and I would love to be there for you. Love you, girl!
Where is the dang like button for Chelsey’s response?!?!?